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About the Animation

See George W. Bush and John Kerry square off in a special debate in 2004.

Script

Characters - Christopher Walken, George W. Bush, John Kerry

Walken: Welcome to the first Presidential Debate. I'm your host, Christopher Walken. To my left, please, give a warm welcome to our President, George W. Bush.
Bush: Thank you. God bless you. God Bless America.
Walken: And, to my right, on my opposite side, please welcome Senator John Kerry.
Kerry: [saluting] Reporting for duty!
Walken: There are special rules for this debate. Each candidate will ask three questions of his opponent. It's crazy. To determine who goes first, we'll have a coin toss. [gets a coin from his pocket]
Bush: Why bother. I know I can toss a coin further than that wuss over there.
[on the quarter, George Washington smacks his head with grief]
Walken: Mr. Kerry you win by default. [spoken while putting the coin away] You may ask the first question.
Kerry: Mr. President, where are the weapons of mass destruction?
Bush: Some questions just can't be answered so simply. Questions like... If the pope pooped in the woods, and there was no one around to hear it, would the woodchuck who chucked wood be Catholic? And... What happened to the other 56 varieties of Heinz ketchup? Americans, the bottom line is that America is safer. S-A-F-F-E-R. By the way, people. We're on orange alert so look alive.
Walken: I find you fascinating. I'm drawn in by your witless words like a moth to a flame. [comic pause] Moving on.
Kerry: But he didn't answer my...
Walken: [interrupting] Let's just get through this shall we? Mr. President, you have the floor. Your first question.
Bush: What kind of footwear is appropriate for the beach?
Kerry: [sighs...] Flip flops.
Bush: [snickers]
[audience chants "flip flop flip flop"]
Kerry: Is that it? How is that relevant?
Walken: Senator Kerry your second question.
Kerry: You flaunt your tax breaks, but how do you explain to the general public that the majority of the tax breaks went to the richest 2 percent of Americans?
Bush: Percents Schmercents.
Kerry: Schmercents?
Bush: Yeah. [stuttering a bit] This is all just fuzzy math, [pauses half-laughing and smiling] and nobody likes to do mathematatics outside of school. [now serious] Quit being such a whiny little sissy or next year you and Teresa won't get the cash.
Walken: Mr. President, your next question.
Bush: Mr. Walken, my next question will be in the style of the popular game show Super Password.
Walken: I'm dumbfounded. Please, continue.
Bush: Fish. Saltwater. Flat. Filleted. Fiiiish?
Kerry: [sighs again] A flounder?
Bush: Correct. [his cell phone rings. he picks it up.] Excuse me. "W. Yeah. Alright I'll tell him." [hangs up.] Jay Leno just called. He wants his chin back. [snickers] Next question.
Kerry: This is ridiculous.
Walken: Mr. Kerry, please, your final question. [Becoming frustrated with Kerry's continuing hand gestures] Ask the question already. Just ask the question.
Kerry: This is a hypothetical question...
Bush: [interrupting] Now wait just a minute. Do I look like a hypnotherapist? How am I supposed to answer a hypnotherical question?
Walken: Not hypno-therical... whatever that means you silly, silly man. Mr. Lurch, excuse me, Mr. Kerry, please continue.
Kerry: If you had choice to push one of two buttons in front of you. One would eliminate abortion and gay marriage. The other would eliminate Al Qaeda. Which one would you push?
Bush: Both of 'em.
Kerry: No, you only get to push one.
Bush: Can Dick Cheney push the other one for me?
Kerry: No.
Bush: [scoffing laugh] Well who made that rule? I'm the president and I say I get to press both.
Kerry: But it's a hypothetical question. It doesn't work that way.
Bush: Well I veto your hypo theoretical trickery. I'm pushing both and there's nothing Al Qaeda, those feminists, or those homos can do about it. They're all going down. Except the homos. They're not allowed... to get married.
Walken: Mr. President, for the love of god, please ask your final question.
Bush: [looking at the camera] Americans, I won't cheat and ask a hypoglycemic question like my opponent. Instead I'm going to ask him what he sees in this picture. [unveils a display with a very thick frame and a tic tac toe board in the middle]
Kerry: I see a tic tac toe board.
Bush: [dropping the frame to reveal a waffle] Still think so?
Kerry: A waffle?
Bush: Now this is exactly my point people. See how he changes his answers?
Kerry: But you showed me more of the picture. I had more information on which to base my...
Bush: Can you or can you not deny that your answers have been nothing but flip flops, a flounder, and a waffle?
Kerry: But your questions were surreptitious... Who am I kidding? You can't even pronounce surreptitious. Is Cheney behind this? [Turns to the camera, ignoring Bush.]
Walken: That about wraps things up. I'm your host, Christopher Walken. Thanks for joining us tonight. God bless America, and God help us all.
[the candidates continue to campaign in the background as Walken signs off, talking over each other]
Kerry: [during fade out] America can do better and help is on the way. I see one nation no longer divided by income or race or sexual preference... well maybe sexual preference but only for marriage. And maybe income too. But one nation where people can get their fries with all the ketchup they want. One nation, under heinz, indivisible...
Bush: [during fade out] My fellow Americans, don't make me a one-termer like my daddy. I can do better. Keep me in the white house. The movers always scratch my stuff. Nobody wants a President Frankenstein. I brought down Saddam, and I'll bring Osama to the ground. I'm no pacifist like this hippy wuss. I'm gonna introduce a new cabinet level position, in charge of homeland security security. ...keepin' the homeland security safe from terrorists, so he can keep the country safe from other terrorists.