| 1. | You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? | - Steven Wright | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2. | 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. | - W. Richard Walton, Sr. | |
| 3. | He who laughs last thinks slowest. | ||
| 4. | The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. | ||
| 5. | All those who believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand. | ||
| 6. | Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness always pays off now. | ||
| 7. | Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. | - Steven Wright | |
| 8. | If at first you don’t succeed... so much for skydiving. | - Henny Youngman | |
| 9. | The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. | - C. Lindahl | |
| 10. | Q: What do you call a redneck with a sheep under each arm? A: Pimp. | ||
| 11. | If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? | - Steven Wright | |
| 12. | I intend to live forever. So far, so good. | - Steven Wright | |
| 13. | Confucius say: Man who put privates in peanut butter jar is f&%king nuts! | ||
| 14. | Confucius say: Man who fall asleep with itchy butt wake with smelly finger. | ||
| 15. | Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. | ||
| 16. | Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. | ||
| 17. | Never knock on Death’s door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). | ||
| 18. | The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open. | - Frank Zappa | |
| 19. | recursive (ri-’k&r-siv) adj. - See ’recursive’ | ||
| 20. | I am schizophrenic, and so am I. | ||
| 21. | Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? | ||
| 22. | A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory. | ||
| 23. | "Call it a hunch" - Quasimodo | ||
| 24. | Why is everyone always trying to make me feel paranoid? | - Dominic A. Tocci | |
| 25. | There are 10 kinds of people in the world that understand binary: those that do and those that don’t. | ||
| 26. | Poor use of similes is as bad as, like... whatever. | - Dominic A. Tocci | |
| 27. | I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. | - Mitch Hedberg | |
| 28. | I have not failed. I’ve just found ten thousand ways that won’t work. | - Thomas Edison | |
| 29. | Efficiency is intelligent laziness. | - Arnold H. Glasgow | |
| 30. | Those who create crossword puzzles are just scrabble players with ulterior motives. | - Dominic A. Tocci | |
| 31. | It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. | - Silvan Engel | |
| 32. | A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. | - Paul Dickson | |
| 33. | Every dance move is the robot if you can imagine an advanced enough robot. | - Demetri Martin | |
| 34. | The piņata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. | - Demetri Martin | |
| 35. | A secret admirer is just a stalker with stationary. | - Demetri Martin | |
| 36. | The key to life is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made. | - Groucho Marx | |
| 37. | Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. | ||
| 38. | Confucius say: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. | ||
| 39. | Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? | - Mitch Hedberg | |
| 40. | My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. | - Mitch Hedberg | |
| 41. | Every fight is a food fight if you’re a cannibal. | - Demetri Martin | |
| 42. | Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. | - Dr. Suess |