| You can't have everything. Where would you put it? |
Steven Wright |
| 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
W. Richard Walton, Sr. |
| He who laughs last thinks slowest. |
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| The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
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| All those who believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand. |
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| Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness always pays off now. |
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| Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. |
Steven Wright |
| If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. |
Henny Youngman |
| The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
C. Lindahl |
| Q: What do you call a redneck with a sheep under each arm? A: Pimp. |
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| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? |
Steven Wright |
| I intend to live forever. So far, so good. |
Steven Wright |
| Confucius say: Man who put privates in peanut butter jar is f&%king nuts! |
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| Confucius say: Man who fall asleep with itchy butt wake with smelly finger. |
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| Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. |
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| Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. |
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| Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). |
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| The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open. |
Frank Zappa |
| recursive (ri-'k&r-siv) adj. - See 'recursive' |
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| I am schizophrenic, and so am I. |
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| Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
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| A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory. |
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| "Call it a hunch" - Quasimodo |
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| Why is everyone always trying to make me feel paranoid? |
Dominic A. Tocci |
| There are 10 kinds of people in the world that understand binary: those that do and those that don't. |
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| Poor use of similes is as bad as, like... whatever. |
Dominic A. Tocci |
| I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. |
Mitch Hedberg |
| I have not failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work. |
Thomas Edison |
| Efficiency is intelligent laziness. |
Arnold H. Glasgow |
| Those who create crossword puzzles are just scrabble players with ulterior motives. |
Dominic A. Tocci |
| It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. |
Silvan Engel |
| A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
Paul Dickson |
| Every dance move is the robot if you can imagine an advanced enough robot. |
Demetri Martin |
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Demetri Martin |
| A secret admirer is just a stalker with stationary. |
Demetri Martin |
| The key to life is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. |
Groucho Marx |
| Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. |
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| Confucius say: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. |
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| Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? |
Mitch Hedberg |
| My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. |
Mitch Hedberg |
| Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal. |
Demetri Martin |
| Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. |
Dr. Suess |