Random Quotes

Quote Author
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. W. Richard Walton, Sr.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
All those who believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.
Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness always pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. Henny Youngman
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. C. Lindahl
Q: What do you call a redneck with a sheep under each arm? A: Pimp.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
Confucius say: Man who put privates in peanut butter jar is f&%king nuts!
Confucius say: Man who fall asleep with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open. Frank Zappa
recursive (ri-'k&r-siv) adj. - See 'recursive'
I am schizophrenic, and so am I.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory.
"Call it a hunch" - Quasimodo
Why is everyone always trying to make me feel paranoid? Dominic A. Tocci
There are 10 kinds of people in the world that understand binary: those that do and those that don't.
Poor use of similes is as bad as, like... whatever. Dominic A. Tocci
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg
I have not failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work. Thomas Edison
Efficiency is intelligent laziness. Arnold H. Glasgow
Those who create crossword puzzles are just scrabble players with ulterior motives. Dominic A. Tocci
It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Silvan Engel
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Paul Dickson
Every dance move is the robot if you can imagine an advanced enough robot. Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
A secret admirer is just a stalker with stationary. Demetri Martin
The key to life is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Confucius say: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal. Demetri Martin
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Suess